Influence

In my college small group tonight a lot of things were said.  Somehow it turned into this debate/discussion/argument but not really type of conversation that we were having.  Lots of words were said, many circles were traveled through all the talking.  While, for an hour, it felt like we were getting nowhere towards the end the purpose of the night started becoming oh so clear.  This group more than anything right now is showing me what the church should be.  They're encouraging me to see things from a different perspective and wanting to impact culture in a real and lasting way.  So in answering the nagging question of how with the broad answer of influence, an interesting little analogy started forming in my head that I wanted to write about for a little bit tonight.

We were talking about prayer and whether our prayers really influenced God's decisions or not.  Trust me, there were differing opinions and after much exhaustion I'm still not completely clear on all that was said.  Nevertheless, in trying to explain the logic of us having influence on God I came up with this:

Through the past few years I've grown in my understanding of God to give Him the glory for being the author of everything created.  That's a massive idea that I still don't completely have my head around, but nevertheless 4 years into this journey that's where I'm at.  So when I think of author, naturally I think of an author of a book.  Now I've written a few things in my time.  Some on this blog, some in my journal(s), a few letters and emails to friends, a few yearbook notes/letters, greeting cards and my fair share of essays in high school.  Let's take my blog for this first example.  When I write something on this blog, completely from my own thoughts (ha... if you get why I'm laughing, high five for you.  If not, ask me and I'll tell you), can it influence me?  I wrote down every single word, placed every single comma and question mark exactly where I wanted it to be.  I structured sentences, placed words next to the ones that would make the idea I was trying to convey make sense.  I even controlled how long the blog was going to be and the deep meaning laced in between the lines.  I did it all.  I was the author.

Now can something that I have authored have influence over me?  I would say no and here's why.  There are times when I can go back to what I've written and wonder, "Where the heck did you pull that out from?  Dang, that's good stuff...".  That "good stuff" will have a profound impact on my current situation.  Mostly in how I view the situation, but will have an impact on the situation (eventually) nonetheless.  There are other times that I'll read something I wrote and want to go throw up at the nearest toilet because I can't believe something so ignorant and immature could come out of my mind and dirty up a computer screen for however long Xanga decides to be in existence.  It puts a bad taste in my mouth...

But here's the catch... the words on the page don't change based on my reaction to them.  I thought them up in the first place.  So are the words on the page really influencing me or, since I was the author of them in the first place, am I only influencing myself?  The only idea that makes sense in this analogy is that God is absolutely central in every aspect of life.  All that we partake in, all that we see others partake in... every part of it God has set people into certain places, placed them among other people where sentences of a story could be formed together into a complete thought.  God was not the author of the perversion of His gifts that has become the everyday norm, but He was the author of those things at their purest, most innocent stage.

Prayer is an act of obedience and an invitation to be a part of a story beyond what you can wrap your mind around.  This thought process could probably drive a huge free will vs. predestination discussion topic but really if we're going to get caught up in just arguing these kinds of points where does it really bring us?  Is it actually productive?  Who can honestly say, "Well since I understand that I've been predestined to be at this exact moment at this exact time with these exact people, I can now live my life in peace and be perfectly content in God's plan for my life...".  This doesn't work for the opposite extreme either.  It's a minor thing that we too often choose to major on just to appear more intellectually spiritual because we're scared of the alternative.  Ignorantly spiritual... mmm what if that's what God desired in the first place?

Don't lose me here please.  The Pharisees back in the day knew Scripture backwards and forwards.  They memorized the first five books of the Bible for cryin' out loud.  We struggle to memorize a verse... they mastered Leviticus.  There's a huge difference.  With all that is said about the Pharisees, in Matthew 23:3, Jesus commands us to "... practice and observe whatever they tell you".  It floored me this morning (even though I was laying on a couch... that's neither here nor there).  This is the absolute first time I ever remember hearing to follow what the Pharisees were preaching.  This isn't just from anyone either, it's from Jesus.  He says practice what they tell you but not what they do.  So even through their hypocracy (which Jesus goes on to rip them apart in the rest of Matthew 23 calling them a brood of vipers, blind fools, blind guys, blind you name it and hypocrites 6 different times), God still is being glorified through their verbal influence to the people.  So God's going to use that... but look at where Jesus went during His ministry.

He ate with prostitutes, thieves, tax collectors.  Magi from lands far away traveled to see Him when He was a boy.  Sorcerers came in contact with Him, demons couldn't stand in His presence but instead shook when He met their gaze.  Are we missing something?  He showed Himself to the spiritually ignorant, not the spiritually elect.  I'm not saying become ignorant in your faith and stop pursuing knowledge, but don't make that your source of life.  Most of what Jesus is talking about has to do with the condition of your heart.  We're so quick to take Jesus so literally in certain places, but really most of what He says is wrapped up in the condition of your heart.

So the question is, can a created thing influence its author or is the Author central in the story of creation?

Freedom in the confines of grace

Do you ever just get incredibly exhausted?  Not just from your job or school or whatever, although that has something to do with it, but have you ever just gotten to that point where you've reached the point of exhaustion that you can't hardly think about anything, can't fully be happy around friends, can't give all of yourself to people back home?  That's pretty much where I'm at right now.  Not that anything has really happened out of the ordinary in my life, outside of working a little overtime and programming out of my butt during the day, to make me this tired.  Becky and I have actually been finding a pretty healthy balance as of late by being with each other and around friends on a pretty regular basis.  So that's not what is making me so exhausted.  It's just one of those things...

Culture is a funny little creature that I can never fully wrap my mind around.  I went to an Arbonne meeting a little while back with Becky and Paula to check it all out, learn more about the business and the products and to be a supportive boyfriend.  While I was there, the speaker started going through the Arbonne presentation and started talking about financial freedom.  "That's really where Arbonne can take you... free to travel, free to volunteer your time and resources, free to you name it."  Mainly she was talking about all the freedom that comes once you have enough money to actually be free.  No financial obligations that you can't meet.  No wondering where the money for the bills is going to come from.  No working a job that you hate going to.  In every area of your life, you could be set free because financially you would be set.

So I'm listening to this presentation and start thinking.  So much so that I have no clue what the lady talked about the last 10 minutes of her presentation because I was writing down my thoughts.  First initial reaction was, "Man, I'm glad I don't have the kind of financial burden on my shoulders where freedom is no where to be found."  Then I really started thinking about my current situation that I'm in, having the job that I do, living where I do and paying the bills that I do and realize, "Holy crap, I'm in the same spot everyone else is.  I want to be free too!"  While I could be a lot worse off, I started realizing that at my current state in life, to a certain degree, I've become a product of our culture.  Part of me has bought into the lie that more work equals worth.  I've believed the lie that money will one day set me free from a lot of burdens I carry around with me daily.  I've wasted precious alone time that I've been given by the Lord at times for laying around on a couch watching a show that I couldn't tell you what it was about to save my life.  Why?  Because that's what's acceptable in American society.  That's just what you do.  I've bought into the lie that everything around me is for my entertainment and that if my food doesn't come at a sit down restaurant within 8.5 minutes then I'm upset and soon mentioning how bad the service is at the restaurant.  I do this stuff in my own life.  And the thing that is exhausting me the most is trying to understand one of the greatest mysteries... myself.  Put yourself in that statement and think about it.  It's something Matt Chandler said a while back, "You are the biggest mystery to you."  Aren't we though?

Watch our lives.  As soon as an opportunity arises to better our lives and secure our futures just a little bit more than the day before, then we're all over it.  ALL OVER IT.  Take me and my job for example.  Why do I work on computers all day?  Why did I go to Purdue and earn a Computer Technology degree?  And no, it wasn't because I "enjoy a challenge" and "feel like working on a team is one of the biggest strengths I can bring to the company because I'm such a good communicator" even though that kind of rhetoric made it out of my mouth during the interview process.  It's not a complete crock, but you want to know the real reason I do what I do?  Well there's two, but one is definitely security.  Financial security, health insurance, savings plan, job security... most days I do enjoy the challenge my job brings me, but if you took any one of those benefits away do you think I would work as hard?  Psssht no I wouldn't work as hard... I don't work for free.  I work to make money; I live in order to exist in a story bigger than my own.  I'm absolutely baffled by the things I find myself talking about on a daily basis... investments, medical plans, future, etc.  I even openly share this kind of information with my co-workers to hopefully give them some tips on how to be free as well.  If one tip works then guess what... we're talking about it again the next day.  It's a never endng conversation.  Arbonne was kind of the same thing listening in on other people's stories.  The products are so great that you want to tell everyone about it.  You really believe in it so any and all of your friends are going to hear about it one way or another.  The word spreads like wildfire.

So if so much of our lives is spent earning this so-called "freedom" that is so precious and so much of a milestone for all of us, then why oh why do we struggle so much with embracing the freedom we already have?  I've watched myself a lot over the last couple of months, paying attention to when I get something new and then how long it takes until I want something else.  It could even be a span of minutes.  Take mp3's for example. I have a lot of 'em... but once I get a new one, I listen to it for a while and then it just gets hidden among the rest of the playlist that is on the iPod.  Food... tell me how many of us are satisfied with eating the same thing even twice in the same week (Pei Wei doesn't count... or Blue Bell ice cream.  Yes there are exceptions to this rule.  I would be talking crazy talk if there weren't exceptions).  Our culture is absolutely backwards.  Our mindset pertaining to our needs and our desires is almost completely skewed.  Every day we wake up with another opportunity to live in the midst of freedom that the Lord has given us as His children and more times than not we squander the opportunity in order to build purely surface level relationships and settle for a "good enough" lifestyle that you can settle comfortably in as the years go on.  I say surface level because it's not hard to have a conversation with those around you.  It is however difficult to have a conversation of substance on a regular basis that is grounded in truth and love.  That takes more work.  I get so frustrated with myself because of how tired I get.  It's not even a good tired either... it's a tired that comes from working 8-5 on a computer staring at a computer screen.  All that happens outside of work I consider a good tired.  Exhaustion among people you love is absolutely necessary to truly experiencing the life that Jesus lived in your own life.

I was reading this morning about Jesus eating dinner with sinners and tax collectors.  Sinners and tax collectors.  The absolute lowliest of members of the then society and they couldn't wait to be around Him.  They couldn't wait to listen to His stories, for Him to listen to theirs and provide compassion and empathy towards them.  When I read that, it kind of shocked me this time around because so much of the past few years has been built around living inside of a community and when I read of Jesus' life, His community extended beyond the church.  He talked with people of the world.  He ate dinner with them.  And it wasn't some forceful thing either.  The people were so comfortable around Him that they were reclining at the table while they ate.  I just think it's so mind boggling to think that those that are struggling the most in life and living an absolutely draining, depraved existence want absolutely nothing to do with Jesus.  It didn't used to be like that... I'm just so terrified of being the Pharisee's in the story.  Thinking I know what's right, being comfortable with spiritual discussions and able to live uprightly in my own sight all the while giving Satan a foothold to mold my heart into a wicked stone used as an instrument of unrighteousness.  What keeps us from that fate?  It's not one specific answer either...

It doesn't all depend on how disciplined you are.  Ask people who can honestly say, "Scripture is a lamp unto my feet and is the very breath of God."  They have such a high regard for God's word that it brings them to tears everytime they read about Jesus' life, teaching, and sacrifice for us.  Guess what?  They still struggle.  Ask those who pray earnestly for the harvest and for laborers to further God's kingdom in the remotest parts of the Earth.  I bet they struggle with focusing while praying.  Find the person who can quote the Bible frontwards and backwards and I guarantee you everyday they're struggling to live out the knowledge that they have acquired.  Just because you know something doesn't mean you always live it.  We've taken for granted that that's just a guarantee... we know it, we live it.  Man I struggle so much with living what I know... it's just not as easy for me as it seems for everyone else.

One thing I've talked to Becky a lot about is contentment.  Not looking forward to what's coming in the near future, but honestly embracing the place in life that the Lord has you because you know that where He has you is exactly where He wants you for the time being.  It's this contentment, when it truly takes place in my heart, that I find freedom in.  Being content isn't anything I've tried to earn.  It's a state of being that's been graciously given to me by the Lord.  I'm not content because of how much money I have, where I live, how much stuff I own... none of that.  I'm content because I'm loved.  I have amazing people around me who aren't afraid to be honest with me while still encouraging me at the same time.  I'm content because at any free time during a day I can pick up a book and read.  I can blast worship music on my iPod radio in the mornings... and when I say blast, I do mean blast.  I can get dressed in the morning.  And when I walk outside to the parking lot, I have a black Pathfinder that I have the key to.  My mind can function in a way that allows me to drive myself to work, shoot the breeze with my co-workers in the morning and switch into hyper-organizational mode when consolidating the reporting requirements of 5 completely separate applications into one powerful little tool.  I'm content because I know my Savior who knew me before I was even thought of.  I know how sweet He is, how caring He is and how challenging His life and commandments are.  I know how much He demands of me... so much so that He gives me the privilege of demanding things in return.  Not just asking, but demanding (it's in the Greek, look it up).  I live everyday of my life free from the bondage that sin kept me under for so many of my teenage years.  I've come to the knowledge that I don't have to earn my salvation and that it's not based on what I've done or haven't done.  It's forever solidified in the pages of God's story.  I have a family who is so giving... giving even when we think it might create unhealthy dependencies between each other.  I have a family who struggles to understand each other, who comes from a less than perfect background and who have truly become a family because we lived through it all.  I have a girlfriend now... the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on.  I get to feel goosebumps on my arm every once in a while when she kisses my cheek.  I get to feel connected to someone, like someone gets me and in the same breath (being so different) has absolutely no clue how to handle me.  Sweetheart, that feeling I'm sure goes both ways :).  I'm so unbelieveably content only because of one thing.  Freedom.

I really struggle with this everyday of my life guys, I'm not just saying that and indirectly blaming everyone else for being the way they are.  I get it.  I just so badly want us to be the people of Jesus.  I want us to be called "The Way" like Christians were called back in Jesus' time because of the way they lived their lives.  It wasn't based on how much Scripture you read or how many times you prayed throughout a day.  It was based on the way you lived you lives.  I want to be so free that my relationship with Christ trumps investments and future happenings in conversation everyday of the week.  I just struggle with the discipline that it takes to get there and embracing the grace that the Lord offers.

The only thing I keep hearing is pursue freedom.  Freedom in the confines of grace.  That's the only way we'll start being the people that actually start changing the culture we live in into one that we desire our kids to grow up in one day.  With all of us being as future minded as we are, wouldn't it be something to pass on a culture to our children that worshipped the Lord God Almighty and not the pursuit of an abundance of wealth and security this side of Heaven.  Wouldn't it be something to teach them with our words and our lives to pursue the very One that holds all that could ever occupy their minds in His very hands.  What if we taught them to pursue Him alone.

Better yet, what if we lived it...

Table for Two

**Read Table for One to fully grasp the meaning behind this post...**

Tuesday night... a night out on the town with Becky, a girl that I'm growing with as the days go on.  We had both kept the night open for other plans so when they fell through, the only logical response was "date night?"  The answer was yes and the memories started happening.

Around 8:00 at night we stood at the base of the water wall you see above.  The water was turned off but it didn't take away from the experience.  Becky and I stood on the center circle looking up at this wall, wrapped up in a hug and the only thing going through my mind was how huge this wall was.  Immediately the thoughts are going... how much of this moment that we're wrapped up in reminds me of life?  Being so small and getting to a quiet place, alone with no sound anywhere and being in awe of the hugeness of the story that you find yourself living in.  I'm standing there with my girlfriend and all I can tell her is, "Look how big this is... it makes you feel so incredibly small."  It's the small feeling I'm comfortable in because I know I'm not the author of what's happening around me.  I sat there hugging her, thanking God for His design and imagination.  I leaned back and took her face in my hands and just stared into her eyes.  I didn't say a word, neither did she.  Words weren't needed.  The look alone said everything.  It's quickly becoming apparent that I am now being given an opportunity to live out God's imagination and beauty in my life alongside a godly woman who I become more attracted to even when I don't see her.

We left the water wall and walked hand in hand over to the Cheesecake Factory.  As we sat down at the table, I grabbed my napkin and looked down at my lap to make sure little bread crumbs wouldn't sneak their way into my apartment at the end of the night.  I wasn't prepared for what I saw when I looked up.  As my eyes made their way to Becky's and then to the booth we were sitting in and quickly around the restaurant we were in, soaking up the environment we were in, my mind immediately snapped back to September 13th, Wednesday night in Costa Mesa, CA.  I walked into the Cheesecake Factory, asked for a table for one and proceeded to have one of the most memorable nights of my life watching the Lord surround my table with those that I would one day call my family.  That night meant a lot, but I'd argue that Tuesday night just may have trumped it.  I'll explain...

We sat there looking at the menu, talking about next year and planning out our schedules to find the balance of being in a relationship and being in relationship with our friends and family at the same time.  We shared stories from the past, hopes for the future and moments in between.  We shared our lives with one another, just like we do every other day.  More than anything though, a few memories stand out that I wanted to write about tonight while I have the time.

About midway through the meal, I put my fork down and extended my left hand toward hers.  She took it and all I could do was sit there speechless while looking into her eyes and rubbing the back of her hand in mine.  I sat there staring at our hands for a little bit, almost having an outer body experience convincing myself that I was indeed holding hands with her.  I can't even explain to you how beautiful she looked to me.  It goes so far beyond the surface the way I see her.  The Lord is showing me through her what commitment looks like.  Not that He hasn't shown me that personally, He just hasn't shown me in the confines of a romantic relationship before.  He's showing me what transparency does for communication inside of a relationship.  He's showing me the beauty of being different, of viewing life from two completely different vantage points and finding harmony in its midst.  In Becky, I see a lot of what I am not... daring, adventurous, not confined to routine, willing to live for the moment and not get too caught up in the depth and meaning behind every little event in life.  And as strange as it seems, the differences are what comfort my soul the most.  It's no wonder I find comfort in it.  For the last 22 years I've spent every single waking second of the day with myself.  I've dealt with and currently deal with whatever is going on in my heart.  If my heart is at rest, I view life from the foundation of peace and security.  If my heart is in turmoil, I lose the perspective from before and start looking for things that are coming around the corner to pull me out of the current state I find myself in.  I find comfort in someone else who sees things that I don't.  I find comfort in someone who undoubtedly prays for things that I have no clue I need to be praying for.  I find comfort in someone who isn't afraid to run towards a vision that God sets before her eyes and more than anything find comfort in when she listens to my perspective of patience, completely different from her own, but one that allows the balance of our personalities and lives to be something we experience and not just something we talk about.  Strengths and weaknesses blend together.  Where I'm weak, she's not.  Where she's weak, I'm not.  More than anything though it's clear to see how the weaknesses are being used to bring glory to God who thought this whole thing up.  Mixing together two lives that didn't look anything alike into a new creation.  A new relationship, not like others even a little bit but exactly what I dreamed one would be.  One that fits.

How much of a picture is that of the Lord?  One who sees from a vantage point that none of us will ever reach, whose wisdom is high above the heavens and whose depth we will never fully see... Why does faith seem like something you can live out daily once you're extended the opportunity to a life you had no clue existed?  It's exciting, full of mystery and wonder.  Full of promise.  Some approach the opportunity with extreme caution, mulling over the pros and cons in their head wondering if it's really the right relationship to step into.  One that requires all of you.  Am I ready for that?  Can I really give all of myself to One God?  You mean all my sins are forgiven?  No matter if I don't have any of this life stuff figured out, I can trust that?  Yet there are some who jump right in, not knowing what the future holds but knowing whole heartedly that they want the future to hold One God.  One who is worth the wait of seeing what life will look like further on down the road.  As you can see, relationships are meant to be pictures and illustrations of God's pursuit of our hearts.  Illustrations that change our perspective in singleness just long enough to get us to the point where soul mingling relationship can occur...

Once we were coming to the end of the meal after the waiter came to pick up the plate (we shared everything... avocado eggrolls, chicken madeira, and then the chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake), I took both of her hands in mine and just started smiling.  Ignoring the every once in a while "what?" comment, I allowed myself to be lost in her beauty.  I kid you not, there was one instance where I specifically remember seeing her face and absolutely nothing else.  Almost like it was blacked out and she was the only thing that was clear when my eyes tried to find their focus.  Mmm there's something behind that...  The world, in my mind, stood still for a split second and in that moment alone with her, simply put, I felt at home.  We both were smiling ear to ear, completely clueless that any other people were even in the restaurant creating memories of their own.  It scared us both when the waiter popped up around the corner because, at least in my mind, we had forgotten anyone else was even there.  It was the first time I'd ever experienced anything close to that.  It was an unforgettable evening.  I had a night that showed me glimpses of what was to come, and while glimpses don't ever serve as an adequate substitute for the real thing, given where we're at at this point in our relationship it was enough.  Holding her hand is enough.  Hugging her when feeling like a small, insignificant creature next to a giant wall that one day will be filled with water again is enough.  Holding her face in my hands and looking deep into her eyes is enough.  More than anything, waiting for her to get back from the bathroom and moving past hope into knowing that in a few moments someone is going to join you at what once was your table for one... that, my friends, is enough.

As we were getting ready to leave, I looked at our table and all had been cleared except one spoon.  Knowing you could make the handle of the spoon into a ring (after explaining it to Becky so she didn't think I'd let one too many marbles loose), I asked the waiter if I could have the spoon and explained to him what I wanted to do with it.  He smiled real big and said, "Of course, it's yours."  Once he found out it was our first "date" in Houston, he stood there and said, "Well, I can't really say congratulations.  Good luck... mmm, best wishes!"  You can say congratulations buddy.  It was a night of celebration.  Celebrating life alongside somebody who not only forces you to grow, but isn't afraid to grow along with you.

When asked, "Was it everything you thought it would be?" my only response was, "It was more."  The relationship may not be like all the others and to some may at times seem outside of the norm.  Just as I thought back to California and everything that happened Tuesday night, everything that was said with words and looks and the memories that were created that are now shared between the two of us... all of it...

It fit.

Currently Listening Beyond Measure By Jeremy Camp Beyond Measure see related

Nightmares on the cusp of fulfillment

This weekend was an eye opener to say the least.  Almost like getting hit by a truck the message was so powerful.  I attended a wedding on Saturday night with my friend Jen.  She was a bridesmaid so I moseyed on into the small, yet beautiful sanctuary and chose a seat on the right of the stage.  As I'm writing this, I still don't know which side I sat on... the groom's or the bride's.  But that's neither here nor there...

I watched the wedding from a distance... in more ways than one really.  I didn't know these two people from Adam and had no connection with anyone in the room except for Jen.  So I sat back and observed, refrained from saying "I will" when the preacher asked the congregation to hold the two to their vows because I knew I wouldn't, stood when I was supposed to stand and look on in wonder and amazement at the most disconnected wedding I've ever attended in my life.  The disconnection started with the preacher, not having any personal connection to the couple and reciting good 'ol wedding faithful 1 Corinthians 13 as the Scripture to characterize the wedding.  The one moment that I wanted to focus on was the moment after the vows had been read and they were faced with uttering two words that should change their lives forever.  Instead of the two I was most used to hearing they uttered the words, "I will".

This is confusing to me.  I found out Jared and Shannon said this to each other at their wedding and after I went on a rant as to why you shouldn't say that, he shared his opinion and it made a little more sense.  But I still don't get this.  You will?  I will is said in replacement of "I do".  What are you saying "I will" to?  I will love you in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, in joy as well as sorrow.  I will doesn't make sense.  If you're standing on a stage in front of the closest people in your life sitting on the cusp of the fulfillment of a promise that the Lord whispered to you and your spouse long before either one was in the picture, shouldn't that be your opportunity to nail in stone where you stand when faced with the most difficult times in your marriage?  Love in sickness and in health... I do.  Before you're sick, I love you now.  And when you're in the hospital with tubes going in and out of your body in places I didn't even know they could put tubes, I love you.  And when you've got the sniffles and want to stay home from work because of a bad headache but persevere through the work day because food needs to be on the table that night, I love you.  I love you now.  There's no "I will" about it.  You don't have to do anything or say anything or ask anything of me for me to care for you in that way.  Your dating/engagement relationship was meant to show you how to love during the hard times and glorious times.  You've had practice.  Marriage is a continuation of the principles you learned in dating at a much deeper, more intimate, soul connecting level.  Don't escape the truth that the Lord has shown you through your relationship that He'll fill you with the necessary compassion, love, understanding, care that you're going to need on a daily basis to live with another flawed human being that you just so happen to be attracted to.  Embrace what you've learned and share it.

This nightmare that I witnessed on Saturday was a party.  Far, far from even a shadow of a celebration.  It just made me sad really.  Only because I know that those relationships are happening as we speak.  Surface level, built around the physical and emotional neediness that comes with not dealing with your junk.  That's waiting for all of us, myself included, without divine intervention and rescue.  I didn't thank the Lord for making me not like the two that were married because it's not true.  He did create me like them.  We all have an identity we share, that's common... but the heart change that comes as a result with a relationship with Christ births a new identity in our souls to live from.  It burdens me when I don't live from this identity but instead embrace the one the world has offered with empty promises waiting in the wings.  Nightmares reside at the very cusp of fulfillment.  Moments filled with promise only to be found empty when dug into.  Be careful who you share your life with.  Watch yourselves so that you too will not be tempted.  Love as a result of the foundational love of Christ, who poured His life out both literally and metaphorically, and not from a heart who needs another flawed human being to complete and fill up something inside of them that's empty.

These nightmares happen in step with isolation.  Seclude yourself and picture yourself laying down your armor.  Saying no to the defenses that others have built around you from their words, strength, demeanor, attitude, love, concern, protection and heart for your well being.  Refusing the protection of a Savior who refused to protect Himself because He knew He was standing in your place to protect you from eternity apart from Him.  There's meaning behind genuine and authentic community with like minded people in your midst.  Strive to celebrate and worship the night of your wedding.  Worship in ways you've heard about but never experienced.  Celebrate like David did in the Psalms... like lepers did when they were healed of a disease that disconnected them with the world.  Embrace life through your identity in Christ.  You're given an opportunity to do this daily (Deuteronomy 30:19-20).  It's your choice.

Will your life be a nightmare once spoken of with hope or the fulfillment of a dream that will be shared for generations to come?

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving...

Mmmm what a holiday.  This is the second consecutive year I've spent this holiday away from home, but unlike the others I don't feel quite so far away.  I'm sitting here on a Friday morning typing this from New Braunfels, TX with my girlfriend by my side all the while thinking, "Is this really my life?"  I've been able to meet (more or less) her Dad's side of the family over this break, introduce them to loaded questions, watch home videos of Thanksgiving's past and help break her cousin's fear of the male species.  It's working little by little... walking back from the park the other day Natalie held my hand.  And then when the tickle monster decided to come out at night, they didn't go running for cover but embraced the tickle monster's desire to make them miserable before they went to bed.  They liked it :)

Becky and I have been together for a whole 2 weeks at this point.  Long huh?  2 whole weeks.  I haven't said much on here for one because I was seeing where it was going to go and for two I wanted to tell all of those closest to me the news either on the phone or in person before putting it on xanga for all the world to see.  If I haven't told you, then we need to talk more.  Sorry...

It's not hard to think of what I'm thankful for this holiday.  Every year it's something new and this one was no exception.  I'm thankful for a woman of God to live life alongside... for a while.  I cannot express in words all that is different about this relationship because honestly it would take me about 5 pages.  If someone wants to hand me 2 days off, then I'll attempt it.  But for now, the only thing I can say is that life with someone who forces you to be you and expects and both appreciates God's design for your life is up on the list as one of the greatest privileges to be experienced this side of heaven.  I've never been challenged like I am with Becky... I've never been so completely attracted to a person.  Mind, body, soul, every part of it.  This is why I'm so dumbfounded by the question, "Is this really my life?"  Are you serious God, I really get to live this out?  Last night before bed, we were talking and I went through that whole line of questioning.  "You're serious?  No games.  This is really real.  You're not jokin' with me, you're not telling me things just to sound cute.  I'm not pretending even a little bit.  This is what it is."  And, as has been the case for about 3 months now, confirmation was once again given.  Yes.

The idea of thanksgiving, even though the details of the year change, is consistent.  Every day of your life there's an opportunity to give thanks.  I can think back to the hardest times at Purdue when I would go to bed with a pit in my stomach almost every night for a month and pray that God's mercies would be new in the morning.  Every night before my head hit the pillow, I started out my prayer with, "Thank you God for this day."  A lot of my prayers would end in questions because I had no crappin' clue what He was doing as a result of all the brokenness and tears and loneliness that was that stage in my life.  But I would thank Him because I knew He was doing something that I was completely blinded to.  I'm not even saying my relationship with Becky was the one thing that He was preparing me for.  I know it was a part of it, but I don't really view Him as one dimensional, only able to focus on one thing at a time and use seasons of your life for one purpose.  There's a lot to it.

The only other thing I was thinking last night was that I wish I was more thankful.  This is just the perfectionist coming out and the fact that I don't want to be human and always see from God's vantage point so absolutely nothing escapes my perception.  But I wished I was more thankful in the dry times.  I wasn't.  I would thank God at the beginning of prayers, yes.  But then the rest of 'em was a lot of screaming, questioning if God was really God because if He was then I wouldn't be feeling the way that I did.  I questioned whether He had my best in mind or His best in mind, because neither option seemed appealing from my vantage point.   I cried, thinking God had forgotten all about me and not being even a little bit thankful for that.  It was rough... and even though it makes more sense right now why all that took place, it doesn't replace the fact that God's number one tool to work in someone's life is brokenness.  Even though life is good right now, brokenness will still be a big part of my everyday life.  I'm in no rush to get there, but inevitably it will happen.  How could it not?  The only thing brokenness does is put us on the path of desiring truth.  We look for one thing we can "hitch our wagon to" (Texas term) or we can "hang our hat" on.  One consistent thing.  One constant thing.  One thing that will not waver and will not give way to the whims of culture or the fads of today.

Brokenness led me to Jesus.  Broken relationships led me to Becky.  Failures paved the pathway to fulfillment.  Questions, tears, heartache... they all led to authenticity.  Authentic relationships, authentic community, authentic relationship with Christ Himself.  Life requires these hard things.  So ultimately, as I reflect on what God has done in my life this past year and what I'm truly, truly thankful for... I'm thankful for brokenness.  I have no desire to get there again, but once I am a tiny sliver of me will get excited based on my current situation alone.  One truth drowns out everything else that all the other voices are speaking...

God is at work.